The ninth.

If everybody in the room maybe stepped out
You’d never have to see the past where you hit the ground
And never have to miss the walls of the old house
So if you find that you’re stuck in the moment
Just let your eyes cut away from the broken
And try to sleep like the broken’s forgotten

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The eighth.

Well, my last post was almost two years ago. I cannot believe that after two years I find myself in the same position, with people, that is.

It’s simple really. I find most of my friends pretentious or toxic. sometimes I spend nights thinking about all the people I have met and how I am not in their lives anymore. to be honest I think there is about 3 or 4 people I can say I chose to stop being their friends, all because they hurt me in some way. everyone else has chosen to become lazy. I am sure there are a few that in my darkest moments they stopped being my friend because it was too hard. but I think I expect a friend to be an active friend, not just one that I have to visit or I have to contact if I want to see them.

I just want to create some lifetime friendships. but fuck, it seems impossible as an adult. I didn’t realise people had a limit to the number of friends they have; the amount of times I have heard people say “I have enough friends”… what in the world? all I hear is bullshit.

Prove me wrong.

The seventh.

High horse.

You can’t chose when or where you are going to be friends with someone. You can’t treat people like an in between friend when you have nothing better to do.

Maybe my heart is too big. I think people think they can only have one or two good friends at a time. That is one big fat lie.

I will not be your inbetween friend anymore, & what’s sad is, i think we could have been the very best of friends. But i forgot, you already have close friends, so lets forget all the stuff we have in common, the music, the humour, the everyday stuff, because thats not what friendships about, right?

So tired of the straight line, 
and everywhere you turn, 
there’s vultures and thieves
at your back. 
The storm keeps on twisting, 
you keep on building the lies.

I don’t know what to believe anymore.

The sixth.

Once again, let down. You were meant to drop by today, but you forgot, well, I assume so. This is why I don’t have friends, because none of them have the same bloody heart that I do. I want a friend who wants my friendship, not takes advantage. You are a selfish fucking person.

The fifth.

Photography. Someday I aspire to be the best. But for now, I want to talk about how everyone is a photographer.

I take photos, I am not a photographer. There’s a certain heart drop when you look at photos from a professional. They can be amazing no matter what the photo is of.

Then there’s the today photographer. Everyone is an expert. I say I love photography and people go, “what type of camera do you use?” Everyone has digital slrs. Everyone can use the apps on their phone to create contrast. Everyone makes their kids dress up in embarrassing clothing and make them do poses so they can post their amazing photography online.

I think a photo comes from within. It’s from the view point of the person taking it not what lens you have.

Whether I take a photo from my phone or my camera, it’s because I have to, because it’s an opportunity to miss something amazing. It’s not something you can go out and expect to find.

I’m not a photographer, but I’m tired of everyone else thinking they are.

The third.

So my first comment provoked me to write something about myself, something I like to do.

I used to love photography just driving out to nowhere taking photos of nothing.

I still love photography, but I feel that life is in the way of things now. When you were 18 and didn’t have to worry about making sure the washing was done before work on Monday and paying bills and saving money.

I used to write alot of poetry, but that only happens when I am sad and my life is good.

Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans.

So maybe I should start taking photos again.

I’ve started reverting back to the type of music I used to listen to, which has reminded me of all the amazing singer songwriters out there.

It also reminds me of the people I left behind, because, they didn’t keep up.

The first.

So. This isn’t the first blog I’ve started with good intentions. Usually they last one post and I forget they exist.

The reason for this blog, this time, is because I’m in search for the friend. The friend that everyone seems to have that for some reason I don’t have.

I feel like everything is perfect in my life, great job, great guy, but I don’t have that friend I can chat to whenever I need. I don’t even know what that’s like.

I’m not a loser. I’m not a loner. My guy is my better half and everything I could ever need. But I want a friend or friends who are genuine. Fuck I don’t even know if that exists.

A friend I would consider close told me you only get remembered if you’re a horrible person. That doesn’t make sense. It really doesn’t. I’m too nice, I care too much, when did that ever start to be a problem. My friendships are mostly one sided and I’m sure there’s another me out there.

Well my boy is the only other person I’ve met who doesn’t put himself first. But I’m not convinced that we are the only two out there.

Someone prove me wrong.